Sundays are for realising that after playing The Blood of Dawnwalker, you've developed a craving for blackcurrant juice. There's none in the cupboard, so you venture out to get some, floating across the rooftops as a trail of mist as you go. You arrive at the supermarket, fangs bared and claws out. You parry and dodge attackers armed with trollies as you fight your way up the aisles. There it is. The sweet crimson nectar. You reach out to grab a bottle. A hand reaches out through the display and grips your wrist.
"Brencis?" you cry out. There's no answer. Instead, the strange appendage begins to drag you along the aisle at warp speed, knocking off bottles which thunk and bump against your face as they fall. "Stoooooooooooppppppppppp," you cry as the a black eye begins to form where a cola bottle got you good. Surprisingly, the rogue arm obeys. However, it doesn't loosen its grip. Blinking away spilled beverages, you find yourself face-to-face with a label. Steve Ballmer Betrayed His Fellow Billionaires, And They Are Not Pleased, it reads. It's made by a company called Defector and seems to contain commentary on the Los Angeles Clippers being slapped for violating the NBA's rules on paying basketball players.
As soon as you're done reading, the arm takes off once more. You're dragged down the soup aisle, tins ricocheting to and fro. Before you know it, your face is covered in a thick mask of baked beans. "No, helpppp, stopppppppp," you yell through the orange haze. The appendage complies again. A packet stands before you. The Blood of Dawnwalker's lack of stealth makes this Witcher 3-like feel incomplete, its label reads. Ooh, a take from GamesRadar foodmaker Fran Ruiz that you're not sure you agree with, but know others who certainly might.
Woosh. You're yanked off again (not like that). Things start to smell a bit more earthy. Oh bugger, the fruit and veg section! Soon, you're being slapped with apples and creamed by bananas. "Pleeeesseee, scccchhhhhtttoopppp", you mumble through a mouth nearly plugged up by a loose turnip. All is still. Before you sits a marrow. On its label are the words 'Petit Planet's latest build brings Pokopia-inspired elements to Animal Crossing in space'. You notice that this particular bit of veg has seemingly been reserved for a Rebecca Jones of Respec, which you assume to be nearby town.
The world becomes a blur once more. Things start to get cold. The frozen section beckons. You make peace with the fact you might be about to die of hypothermia amid a sea of 3 for 2 signs. Shards of ice skitter aside as your skin begins to numb. You have just enough energy to beg in whispers for the arm to stop once and for all. It does. A box offers you instructions as to How to throw a LAN party in 2026. Why's this in the frozen section? Ah, it's made by Morgan Park of Perfectly Cold Gamer.
Suddenly the arm pulls you head-first into the depths of a freezer. The cold is everywhere and it's overwhelming. You realise that the arm belongs to a bald man who's curled up next you. "Brencis?" you ask again.
"Yes," the vampire baddie from The Blood of Dawnwalker says.
Before he can finish, the freezer opens and you're both yanked out. The pair of you end up laid out on a trolley atop a mound of frozen peas. Gazing down at you is the face of Adrian Edmondson. He takes off pushing at warp speed, laughing maniacally while the pair of you hold on for dear life and some Witchery tunes play over the tannoy.
سەرچاوەی فەرمی بە زمانی ئینگلیزی: https://www.rockpapershotgun.com/the-sunday-papers-827
